Tangenital Discussions

We live in a world fixated on numbers.

Everything defined within the bounds of a scale, whether it be numeric or ordinal. Age, salary, tenure, time. The fundamental aspects of ordered life are defined by numbers.

What would life without numbers be like? How would we live in a world where Chaos is end-all and be-all? Would a sort of intricacy or dare I say it, obtuse harmony develop inside the web of unorganized poetry?

Questions asked by a hopeless romantic snared in an endless morass of numerical expectations.

Meaningless, in the face of the expectations of the world defined by common sense. For what do artists strive for, other than to break the shackles of the world’s common sense with depictions further away from the truth?

Sadness. Despair.

Much needs to be said, but little can be expressed.

The pedestal afforded by many to the banal. Fixated by the dimensions that we can see, but stymied by the depth of the unseen. What good will a hall of mirrors do for one who does not want to look at reality?

Recalibrating

I’ve been having a bit of difficulty finishing any sort of project these past few days, most notably posts that I should have finished weeks ago but for some reason, remain unfinished. The odd thing about all of this is, I know what I want to say and how I want to say it, it’s just that when I sit down in front of the computer or laptop and start typing, halfway through the entire exercise I start rereading what I wrote and feel slightly off about the whole thing. It’s a middling concern probably, but the fact that I’ve come close to finishing an article or two only to have it feel incomplete for some reason is a source of frustration for me.

As of this moment, I have several drafts of unfinished entries saved in my backlog. I’m not sure how I can finish them all given my current mindset, but I’m guessing this post in itself is a cathartic process to figure out why I’m seeing these roadblocks to my writing.

Perhaps it’s because I’m forcing myself to write for the sake of writing? I know I promised myself to express myself more through writing when I rekindled my love to read, but maybe it’s because I’m pushing myself too much that the words simply won’t flow out. The feeling can be compared to wanting to sing something out loud, but failing to do so because you lost your vocal chords. Or empathize with someone experiencing grief, only the language that they speak is different from yours. That stifling feeling that something is off-putting serves to lock people like me into a somewhat depressing cycle of wanting to write, but having nothing to write about.

I kind of get it though. I should be writing about the things I love, about the things I am passionate about. But if I do engage in thing that catch my fancy, they express themselves through a whole other medium than just pen and paper (or in this case, keyboard and screen?). A probable example would be the fact that I like playing instruments, and somehow if I do get a feeling that I would want to express, it manifests itself in a song, a lyric, or a phrase that I’d rather play than write about. Perhaps this inability to express is not a matter of the lack itself, but rather the medium and the modality. I should not be concerned if I am sacrificing one of my passions for another, as it simply means that I am developing not just one specific part of my psyche.

Strange, it’s a bit more encouraging to read about my thoughts rather than talk it over with myself in my head. Who knew, right?

A Question of Contrasts

¹³ And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is Charity.

1 Corinthians 13:13 King James Version (KJV)

A few days ago, our Youth class started discussion the nature of Emotions and its relevance to character building. We’ve already gone through a basic introduction of temperaments and a rudimentary discourse on Personality, so I decided that the next step would be an introduction to the nature of Emotions. I must admit that it was hard to simplify a discussion about an abstract concept such as Emotion in two or three one hour sessions, mainly because my primary goal was to teach practical applications, not dive into the Philosophical nature of the Human Heart. Nevertheless, preparing for that discussion involved me condensing my otherwise wayward stream of consciousness into something that can resonate with teenagers and young adults.

A week prior to developing my lesson plan, I held a survey among them to see what were the top emotions that affected them the most. Not surprisingly, Sadness came out on top, followed by Worry and Anger (with Happiness coming in hot on their heels). I had somewhat expected this to be the case, but it posed an interesting question to me as I started rummaging around for possible opening salvos for discussion.

Why do negative emotions exist? Wouldn’t it be easier to have just happy emotions in the first place?

I found it fascinating that a few years back, Pixar attempted to illustrate these abstractions in their movie Inside Out by personifying them into various characters that represented the core emotions that affect a child’s cognitive development. I’m sure the little ones that watched the film wouldn’t understand the subtlety of the various psychological references included in the film, but for the adults that do understand, it paints a poignant picture of how our emotions play a crucial role into shaping our memories and connections to other people. The film essentially provided us with an answer to why humans need negative emotions like sadness to counterbalance joy and the like – Emotional highs establish connection, but emotional pain cements it by means of human empathy. Without it, it would be easy to see human interaction as a frivolous endeavor limited to only enjoyment and merriment (though one would argue that this premise itself is not as simple as it sounds).

The movie illustrated those core emotions as things that can be blended to provide a veneer to filter human experience. To cite an example, the illustration of Sports island in the film had Riley’s memories of hockey blended with Joy and Anger, presumably to illustrate the complex emotional balance of competitiveness. However, some people viewed Emotions as entities that exists as dualities – concepts that need other, opposing concepts to exist. Like Fear opposing courage, or Love opposing Hate. One cannot exist without the other, as the other provides meaning to the concept of another. To illustrate a point, an oft-quoted line stated that “Courage is not the absence of Fear, but rather the ability to act in the presence of it.” – I had often mused that this line implies that if Fear didn’t exist in the first place, then there would be no need for Courage because then there would be no barrier to overcome, no condition to apply Courage to.

It’s interesting to note that Paul also references this duality by contrasting two different sets of nuances produced by two opposing entities in his letter to the Galatians. He begins outlining the works of the flesh in Chapter 5:

¹⁹ Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness,

²⁰ Idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies,

²¹ Envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such like: of the which I tell you before, as I have also told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.

then follows it up with the fruits of the Spirit, outlined in verses 22-23:

²² But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,

²³ Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.

I had always wondered whether there would be a need for these fruits of the Spirit to exist if Sin had not entered into the world. If human nature had not been corrupted, then we would not have to learn Longsuffering for trials and temptations. There would have been no need for Gentleness to temper Wrath, nor Meekness to stifle Pride. Faith would not have battled Unbelief, nor Goodness cowed by the horns of Hate. Man would have been content to live his life free and unblemished in the Garden of Eden.

But then, you’d also have to wonder. If Sin had not entered the World, would Man come to understand the true meaning of Peace by himself in the absence of Strife? If Adam had his every need and every whim provided by God, would he have been able to experience Sadness and in turn, Joy? Did these emotions even exist when God walked with Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden? It seems far-fetched to consider that such happy emotions probably did not exist in the Garden. Or perhaps, they existed but Adam and Eve did not identify with them yet, because they had no frame of reference to compare them with. One thing is for sure though, the moment they ate the forbidden fruit, they felt Fear (as referenced in Genesis 3:10), a negative emotion borne out of Sin and disobedience.

One of the things I’d probably ask God when the time comes is how the whole Sin scenario fits into His plan to bring us back to him. Did He allow us to pick the fruit from the tree of Good and Evil to give us perspective of true Joy and Peace by experiencing Sadness and Strife? The Bible states in Revelation 21:4 that all tears, all sorrow will be wiped clean when this world passes away. And when the time comes when we will sing praises in Heaven, would we be able to sing because we have experienced the world as it is now?

The question of why we are allowed to experience trials and hardships while we are alive still remains a question of Faith. Why does God allow Man to experience Grief? Why does God allow War to consume the faces of the innocent? Why does Hate exist? Those are hard questions that we may be unable to answer convincingly in our lifetime. But God provided Hope, along with Faith and Love to sustain us as we struggle to understand the whys and wherefores of our existence in this world. And when the time comes when our Faith will turn to sight and our Hope will turn into reality, God’s Love will be there to ensure us that we will never more wander.

To Love Again

I bought a violin for the first time. After several years of playing on borrowed violins, I finally got my own. It’s amusing to think that I’ve gotten by with cheap borrowed stuff for so long it’s a wonder I even considered buying one for myself. But recent circumstances have convinced me I needed to buy one for myself, and off I went scouring the stores for the perfect fit for me (of course, with monetary restrictions all things considered). I didn’t believe it was possible to fall in love at first play, but after a good amount of time testing and assessing violins at my available price range, I found it – the perfect violin fit for me. It was not handcrafted Luthier-quality, but I knew as soon as I felt the tips of my fingers on the fingerboard and heard the soundpost resonate with the pull of my bow that I liked this one. This is the one I needed.

I’ve never been one to brag about musical talent. Hell, I sincerely believe that I don’t have any; I would not have considered picking up the damned thing if not for my parents who insisted that I learn. I didn’t even concentrate that much on mastering it at first – it was more like a chore I had to do before me and my friends went off to play DotA right after practice. But even if I hadn’t been the best of musicians during the brief periods I spent with my violin, I did not regret the time I spent learning it. Playing hymns and orchestral pieces had this cathartic effect on me that made me appreciate the message embedded in the song a little bit more. And it was for that reason that I was more than a little bit sorry I had to give up playing when my work started to eat up most of my spare time.

Fast forward to today, I want to get back to playing, but I had no instrument of my own. I look at children who I used to teach the basics grow better than me during the time I was away, and I felt guilty and a little bit envious. Would I have practiced more if I had my own? Would it had been feasible? I wondered if I would have been able to drag myself out of the doldrums if I had my own violin at home. I knew the answer to that, but I was trying to convince myself that my disinterest was a direct result of circumstance alone. In truth, I did not continue because I lost sight of the point. I’m not that good, why should I even attempt to play? I’d rather rest my body and my mind for my next duty. What good will practicing do? Even if I did play, I could get by with the basics – it’s not as if I need to practice more.

I realize now that the way I approached it was a mistake.

Looking back, I should have forced myself more. I should have embraced music as a way to purge myself of the horrors and weariness of my job. I knew that even if I was not the most talented person amongst the gaggle of people playing, I still relished the feeling I experienced when I played;I felt more alive and blessed sitting on those seats than seating outside them. I loved how God spoke to us through the music that we played, and I realize now that it was a mistake for me to sacrifice that aspect of my life over my job.

I promised myself that I would not subject myself to that extended sabbatical again. Buying my own violin is a sort of symbolic step for me in that in doing so, I am reminded never to forget that aspect of my personality, and to take necessary precautions to ensure that it will still be part of my life whatever the future circumstances might bring.

To be at Peace means coming to a decision, and we have been blessed with the free will to decide what and Who gives us our peace. For me, a part of that peace means embracing that music helps me find peace, and that it is integral for both my spiritual and mental health. I thank God I realized this sooner than later.

Fillers, fillers everwhere

I was busy reading random novels the other day. I didn’t get to write anything because it took me a little over 8 hours to finish a regular-sized novel.

8 hours.

Man, my attention span really took a hit. I used to be able to finish stuff like these in just under 4 hours.

*sigh*

I really need to get my act together. Less writing, more reading. Or strike a happy balance somehow. Whatever works.

A lull in the midst

There will be times when everything will be still.

Nothing will come, the horizon spreading blankly across the empty canvas, the voices lulled into an idyllic calm. The quill stops as the ink dries on the parchment.

And that’s okay, that’s acceptable.

Silence, at times, will be a more welcome bedfellow than the cacophony of your own ruminations.

It is as they say, the calm before the storm.

Still waters run deep.

Untitled Musings

“In the end, I guess my biggest mistake was thinking that I could make those kinds of promises to myself, things that I thought I wanted but didn’t intend to keep.”

She took a moment to reply. “Isn’t that what maturing is all about? To realize that what you decided on yesterday isn’t necessarily one that you would agree with tomorrow?”

“I guess, but is that a bad thing or a good thing?”

I saw the shadow of a smile – half-amused and half-wistful flash across her face, “If every person had an answer to that question, then wouldn’t life be a little bit too trivial?”

I turned away from her and stared off into the dimming sunset. “I guess. but then again, I kind of wish my peace of mind didn’t come at the expense of finding peace with myself first.”

Author’s note: Something I wrote a few years back. I’d forgotten what emotion I was trying to capture here. Probably an introspective one about self-love?

Thinking Exercise 1

Author’s note: This is not intended to be an informative article. Just something to get the ball rolling, so to speak. Stream of consciousness, perhaps?

What if Sentience was a commodity?

I realize that this might be too broad of a subject for a simple warm-up essay, but the rules of my newly-established practice routine states that I should write about the first topic that comes into mind when I wake up in the morning. Sadly, I’ve been dipping my toes in dystopian themed TV shows a lot recently, and I can’t help but think about random stuff related to their thematic conflict, so here I am.

I’ve always wondered why dystopian universes hold such an appeal for some people. Personally, while I find the topic interesting, I find that the image of a future where some aspect of humanity is warped beyond common sense a bit too drab for my taste. Sure, I enjoyed reading Farenheit 451 and 1984, and I sure wasn’t complaining when I watched movies like I-Robot and the like, but take away the action, the intrigue and the mystery of the post-apocalyptic genre, and you’re stuck with a world full of nothing but depressing tropes and endless conflict with barely a resolution in sight. My opinion would probably change if an author could somehow create a dystopian world with a more positive outlook, although I can’t help but think that at best it would like a satirical commentary of what would happen if we were to experience that today. Nonetheless, it still doesn’t change the fact that it’s probably the least favorite of all the possible worlds I can come up with. (High Fantasy Victorian Steampunk ranks #1, btw.)

Sentience is a common theme in these dystopian novels, primarily with storylines that tend to focus on the question of essence of humanity. Asimov’s train of thought being the initial example that comes to mind. The fascination with dissecting the nature of emotion and subjective sensation is one that is always a point of contention among science fiction writers. What constitutes a sentient being’s subjective reality? Is it the ability to decide? Or the ability to feel emotion tied to your decision making?

If we go by the first premise, then logically speaking any organism with the capacity to decide based on a certain precedent (i.e programmed set of logical rules) is sentient. However, many would agree that sentience is not merely the ability to decide, but the ability to internally interpret, connect, and express this decision into an emotion that can in turn, be interpreted by other sentient beings as such. This ties into a much broader discussion about empathy, compassion, and other intangible elements relating to humanity that most certainly would not be attributed to any other life form that cannot satisfy the pre-existing conditions, much like the argument about Robots and Artificial Intelligence. Simply put, Sentience, in an overarching definition, is the human quality of being able to feel, to express, and to sympathize, all the while understanding the basic process of why we are able to feel, express and sympathize.

Most would argue that humans are not the only organisms that are able to feel however, and most animals have exhibited some sort of sentient behavior that we can be classified as “human-like.” Like for instance, pain is a subjective feeling that we can link to the process of sensation, but not every living being has an observable reaction to pain. At least, not that we know of just yet using our limited capacity for understanding. There is an existing train of thought within the subject that in order to understand suffering, or the process of undergoing hardship and pain, we must first consider if the subject in question is sentient or not. And one of the easiest ways to determine the extent suffering can be quantified by our existing scales to measure pain in living beings. It’s easy for humans, and right now, we are beginning to see that other living beings like dogs exhibit the same biological reaction as ours when they are subjected to suffering. They cry, they howl, they even shed tears when they were subjected to abuse. It is by that kind of logic that people argue for the progression of animal rights, because they believe that the nature of suffering proves that sentience is present not only in humans, but in animals too.

But what about plants? The flora of the world around us? Are we able to assess if they possess sentience? Science has already proven that they are living organisms, but with different bio-composition. If they can express sentience, what form would it take?

There is an oft-quoted experiment regarding this topic that the reader has probably heard of by now: Two plants were kept in a similar environment, with same amounts of water, sunlight, and air to keep them nourished. One however, was exposed to classical music, and the other, rock music. After a month or two of exposure, the plant exposed to classical music flourished, while the other displayed a significant decrease in its growth and overall health – its leaves drooped, its color dull and faded, and at first glance, it looks as if it were slumping down. Leaf browning was a noticeable attribute as well.

Going by this argument, that plants are in fact, actually conscious of human stimuli, can they in turn, be subject to suffering as well, And going by that argument, can plants be sentient? If plants were actually sentient, would we have a way of knowing? How would we quantify that?

Most scientists argue that emotion is just the interplay between several biochemical reactors in our body. That is true, to some extent. However, we have not been able to fully understand the relationship of this biochemistry aspect of our emotions to the spiritual side of humans. If we go by the plausibility of the previous argument – that human emotions are simply the result of an extended chain of biochemical reactions occurring throughout our body, then theoretically it would be feasible to design a robotic shell with compounds designed to stimulate anger, fear, and the like. However, that is easier said than done – we still haven’t fully understood the developmental mechanics that enable our brain to express these kinds of natural reactions.

But what if we did?

What if we did know how to control our body’s input and output of chemicals, and somehow duplicate that? Or maybe, reverse-engineer the whole process?

It would be a terrifying scenario.

Instead of us building robots from scratch, we would be the ones turning ourselves into robots. And the scary part is, it doesn’t matter it we were coerced into it or not; It will be part of the system whether we like it or not. Think about efficiency, think about productivity – most corporations would jump at the opportunity to divest their workforce of attributes that would otherwise hinder their employee’s dedication to their job. Things like fear, anger, depression, those things fall by the wayside. Of course, we would have Moral Relativism to consider, but hey, we’re talking about developing scenarios for a dystopian future, yes?

Imagine the world building possibilities – A sprawling Metropolis but with sparse human population, primarily because the emotions linked to procreation (Fear, Love, Security) has been commodified into a shot that can only be administered in selected areas called Eden. Edens are thought of as relics of the past, with their existence being deemed as a necessary connection to humanity’s continued existence. The shot, called Sentience Serum, has different strains, several of which can be injected to other living beings to manifest human-like displays of emotion. Plant-based organisms can now be grown in the likeness of man using bioengineering vats mixed with the DNA of human subjects. Genetic modifications also exist to give human-like qualities to animals such as dogs and cats to finally eliminate the only roadblock to “animal rights.”

Now you tell me why I think dystopian worlds are depressing and bleak.

Of Parallels and Tangents

No, I don’t love you.

I never had the chance.

Not that it would have mattered though, you shot it down before it even started, Strangely enough, I didn’t feel slighted. To be honest, I was more relieved than anything. Not about the fact that you didn’t give me a chance, but simply because I never would have thought to ask the question in the first place. The fact that I asked meant that in that moment, in that singular space in my own little bubble, the cacophony in my head stilled just enough for me to decide that hey, I should probably give this a shot. It meant that for once, all of the voices agreed on one thing.

So no, I’m not mad. I’m not regretful. Rather, I’m thankful that this happened. That at one point in time, there was a stillness that enabled me to act without the pressure of logic and reason dictating my thoughts. In that moment, I was happy. As my friend once said, that moment alone where the feelings spark to life is precious enough as it is. I wanted to tell you this, but I don’t think it would make any difference in the long run.

So thank you, and goodbye.

A stagnant pond breeds no frogs. Or to paraphrase something to that extent.

It’s been precisely one year of nothingness. Nada. Zero. Blank Slate.

If this isn’t writer’s block, then I’d probably buy Calvin’s solid white cube just to prove my point.

Quite literally, I know.

No matter, the important thing is we get the creative juices flowing again, spice up things a bit; To induce thought diarrhea as a friend so eloquently phrased it.

So, let’s see where this year brings us eh?

7 days to 2018!